Report by John Richer:
When the Captain puts his hand on your shoulder, fixes your eye, and says "Do you have a match report in you? No tweeting. A proper one." then what can one do but obey, and seek inspiration from the sesquipedalian Self rather than the linguistically-challenged twitterati?
So, let me transport you to Abington, on a promising summer evening, to a pretty ground formed by unknown orogeny, with topographic features galore to perplex the Remnants who inhabit the Oxford Road flatlands. [Words like "sesquipedalian", "orogeny" and "topographic" seem likely to do a fair bit of perplexing of their own. - ed.] Though HM Government was today trumpeting the renaissance of of falling unemployment and the green shoots of recovery, the trickle-down had not come as far as Abington where austerity measures still render the opening of the luxurious-looking pavilion beyond the club's means. Consequently, the ragged Remnants changed into their whites furtively in the car park opposite the pub, across from the primary school, and strewed their bags across the grass at the boundary edge. A pretty sight it was not.
Three hours later, the game ended as it so often does in near darkness. The annual Perseid meteor shower neared its peak tonight, and the spectators gathered on the boundary could have been mistaken for armchair astronomers, gazing into the dark sky hoping to glimpse the fleeting light from fleeting new stars; and perhaps in a sense they did.
These spectators, gathered on the south side of the pitch, were backlit by the glowing windows of the traditional Three Tuns, the classic English fragrance of India Pale Ale, Pad Thai and Crispy Squid wafting from the open windows and its gambrinous occupants. The electronic scoreboard provided the main source of light on the other side of the pitch, and indicated 23 needed off the last 5 overs. In the west, the last colour drained from a sunset by way of Turner; but would the Remnants go the way of the Temeraire, completing its final journey to the shipyard to be scrapped, or be patched up and renewed in the dock and rise again to claim another victory and play another season? And it's hard not take this one step further and acknowledge that of course the Remnants are continually renewed, by the emergence of youthful talent, and tonight's game was all about the young and gifted shining among the fading older generation who aren't good for much except for writing match reports, collecting the match fee and buying the drinks. (I speak for myself alone.)
In the gloom, the home team brought back their tall, rangy pace attack, top league cricketers coming in off 20 to 25 yards. They bent their backs and grunted with effort. This was quick bowling by most standards. That Michael McCann and Mihir Chandrekar could see the ball let alone make confident contact with it was remarkable; they went about their lucubration with gusto, and sealed the win with some clever pushes and lusty blows into the darkness, McCann (37* from 55 including two fours) and Mihir (7* from 7) coming off to warm congratulations from the Remnants.
To be in this position at all was somewhat remarkable. After the first few overs of the Remnants' inchoate reply, our President for Life had been musing on our lowest ever score (34, in 1981, as we all know) and thinking we'd do well to exceed it. Remnants' reply stuttered at 6/1 after 5 overs, such was the quality of the opening bowlers. Richer had perished for 1 to an unplayable delivery which would have beaten most county players (so I'm told; either that or he missed a straight one). But Ferdi Rex, in at 3, joined Michael McCann, and they weathered the early storm calmly albeit at a Lilliputian scoring rate. The second quarter of the innings lifted us from 6/1 off 5 to 48/1 off 10, leaving 85 needed of the final 10 overs. And by now Ferdi and Michael were making it look easier, with pushes and elegant drives coming almost continously, and in a remarkable spell the third quarter of the Remnants innings saw the distant electronic scoreboard, remotely controlled in an Oz-like manner by wizards Rex senior and Bell, rapidly climb to 110/1 off 15 overs. Push the left hand button when McCann scores, push the right hand button when Ferdi scores, was the instruction. It's a simple game. But were our wizards merely recording the scores, or actually commanding them, the batsmen reduced now to mere automata? We may never know.
Ferdi Rex played tonight a simply outstanding and mature innings against a quality bowling attack. His 71 came off only 44 deliveries, having had an unfortunate lack of strike early on. This seemed not to trouble him as he played a series of controlled pushes for singles and twos off the good balls, and hit the less good ball powerfully past the bowler - 48 of his 71 came from boundaries, with a pleasingly symmetric 6 fours and 4 sixes. After a short stimulant break (Diet Coke (TM)), Ferdi's strike rate increased further. That he holed out at long on for 71 as the scoreboard pressure escalated was perhaps no surprise, especially given that the field for Ferdi contained the remarkable sight of two long ons and two long offs, all patrolling the boundary ropes.
Michael McCann was the bedrock of the innings: he ran tantivy [At first I thought this was a typo (tantively, perhaps?), but a quick dictionary check reveals it is at least a word, meaning "a rapid gallop" . . . except it's a noun, apparently, so not quite sure what's up here. - ed.] as usual all the night, and batted through the innings impressively, keeping out the very good balls, and nudging the less good balls for quick singles and rapidly taken twos. To be there at the end deserves high praise.
Earlier, after our captain Paul Jordan had lost the toss and we'd been asked to bowl, the hosts had the advantage of batting on a good surface in good daylight. But excellent opening spells from Ollie Rex (0/18 off 4 overs) and Julius Rix (1/21 off 4 overs) restricted the Philanderers to a modest scoring rate. Mihir Chandraker and Ferdi Rex continued to keep the pressure on even as the home side tried to accelerate. Mihir's leg spin was at times magical, and his 3/20 off 4 overs was just reward. At the other end, Ferdi bowled tightly with a good variation of pace, ending with a superb 2/20 off 4, with the two wickets coming from his last two deliveries: a potential hat-trick awaits. [Sadly not: can't have hat-tricks split over different matches - ed.] Ev, standing up, was sharp and stopped almost everything that came his way. Along the way, Ferdi and Michael - who were to star later with the bat - took excellent catches in the outfield to dismiss the openers. Paul Jordan and Richard Rex shared 5th bowler duties, with our tregetour Richard (1/14 off 2) claiming a wicket with his first mesmerising flighted ball. As the hosts left the field with a total of 132/7 off the 20 overs, there was feeling that Remnants had done very well to keep the score below 150 given the strong batting lineup on display. But would it be gettable? The previous encounter, a lively and abrasive affair at Oxford Road, had seen Remnants chase down 142, so there was hope. And, as we now know, that hope prevailed.
On nights such as this, the perdurable nature of the Remnants is evident. Against what could be argued was much stronger opposition, in hostile territory, in near darkness, a sweet victory was won, and the double against A Serious Cricket Team was achieved. And we must thank our attentive umpires, Hales and Chandraker senior, the precise and elegant scoring by Sally in difficult light conditions, and the support from a multitude of non-playing Owens. Next time let's plan to win again and stay for a Thai. [But what about the club members who are already married? - ed.]