2005 annual dinner

The 2005 Remnants dinner was held on Saturday, November 19 and, for the third year running, we enjoyed an excellent mezze-style meal at Kami's Restaurant on Hills Road. The final turn-out of twenty-five was a little disappointing -- there were so many absent regulars that we could almost have a Diners vs. Non-Diners internal match next season. In most cases this was down to conflicting commitments (priorities, boys!), although a few, possibly paying homage to one of 2005's most annoying trends, dropped out on the day. Sadly we also had a few ``retired hurts'', our faithful scorer, Sal, being laid up with a migrane, and Mike Sneyd, apparently, having been poisoned by his loving wife. The most fabulous excuse of all was Rob Harvey's -- he just forgot (but as he did rush down to Kami's once he was reminded, so we won't mention this embarrassing fact here).

Rob Harvey's punishment for forgetting the dinner was to be denied food.

After feasting on food from all over the Mediterranean, it was time for Geoff to take the stage for the post-season quiz.

Remnants quiz 2005

(To see the answers simply highlight the region below the questions with your mouse by dragging the cursor across the screen with the left button held down.)

Triumph and disaster (two runs each)

Who was run out by Russell Woolf's quick footwork?

John Gull: having played the season's first good shot (off its second ball), John headed off for it's first crazy run. Russ got his foot in the way (Why not a hand?), and lobbed the ball back to the 'keeper to complete the easiest of run outs.

John Gull not only appears to have worn the same suit as last year, but it's not clear he's shaved since then either.
Who was run out by Anton Garrett's quickness of the mark?

Nick Clarke, Anton's partner at the time. To paraphrase the safe sex campaigns of the eighties: just say ``no''.
Who failed to remove the bails and hasn't been asked to keep since?

Dave Norman. After he'd completed one of the sharpest takes of the season, the batsmen came out of his crease and Dave went to take the bails off, only to . . . er . . . miss.

Nicely framed by the Leas, Dave Norman prays that his missed stumping won't be mentioned at the quiz.
Who got a stumping off a wide?

Everyone had a different answer to this; the correct one was Andy Owen. With Andy tanding up to yet another miffed medium-pacer (Chris McNeill), the batsmen came down the track as the ball curved well past the outside edge of his swishing bat . . .

Boring old stats (one run each)
Who got a hat-trick?

Colin Anderson (and that wasn't the end of it -- see below).
Who got three stumpings in an innings?

Andy Owen (although technically the answer to the next question would also have been an acceptable answer).
Who got four stumpings in an innings?

Ev Fox.
Who got his first four-for for Remnants?

Ollie Clarke, the most reluctant of bowlers, really came to the party in the post-season game against The Woozlers.
Who got five wickets in an innings?

Alex Brown, way back in May . . . but even if you forgot about this, the powers that be kept the achievement very much in mind (again, see below).
Who got five wickets in an innings bowling against Remnants?

The traitor Robin Woolley (bowling for The Woozlers in the aforementioned post-season game).

Fathers and sons (ten runs)
Name the five pairs of fathers and sons who played in Remnants matches this season.

Nick and Ollie Clarke; Rupert and Alex Brown; Colin and Jack Anderson; Paul and Tom Jordan; and Andy and Michael Owen (albeit for the Romsey Town Charity XI against Remnants, and not forgetting the fact that Catherine Owen also played, making the only ``father and daughter'' pair). But not, unfortunately, Steve and John Gull: John was one of the team regulars, but Steve didin't play a match, the first year in the club's history that's been the case.

John Young, at right, channels Yoda in an effort to come up with one more father/son pair: ``Have the Owens, Browns, Andersons and Jordans already, I do, but there is another.'' Faruk Kara, at left, can't bear to watch, but Ollie Clarke looks like he holds the key.

Funny old game (one run each)
Whose only innings of the season saw him run out of overs only 48 short of his maiden half-century?

Geoff Hales, having foolishly hit the winning runs with delicious ease.
Who took a wicket with his first ever ball for Remnants?

Sam Dolan.
Who was still going on about his prowess behind the stumps at half-past midnight a week later (as evidenced by this 50 second MPEG audio file)?

Ev Fox, who managed to regale his BBC Radio 4 listeners with his tales of derring do.
Whose box ``didn't fit in his sack''?

Everyone's favourite pirate king, George Speller.
Who turned up on a Tuesday because he thought it was Wednesday?

Mike Sneyd (and not, I hasten to add, John Gull, who did the opposite).

Out of the ground (two runs each)

Who hit a six which resulted in:
A Remnants defeat?

Dave Norman, having come in at number ten (!) for Granta. With one ball remaining two runs were needed to win; but Dave doesn't do things by halves, and smacked a ``maximum'' instead.
A tie?

Paul Jordan, playing for Romsey against Remnants, who was faced with the horrid task of having to hit a six off the final ball to tie the game. And that's just what he did, to the open-jawed disbelief of everyone (especially the bowler, a certain Phil Watson).
A Remnants win?

Chris McNeill, in one of the most uplifting moments of the season. Having endured a horrid spell of losses and wash-outs mid-season, he completed a grand revenge victory over The Beehive by smacking their fastest bowler over the mid-wicket boundary in only his second innings for the club.
Who chased what turned out to be an all-run six?

A controversial one this: the official answer (derived from the match report) was that Dave Green had chased the ball into the ``big sky country'' of Caius College's outfield; however Nick Clarke was adamant that he was the one who'd chased his heart out. Wha-ever . . .

Boring old stats (2) (one run each)
Which bowlers had the following figures:
0.1 over, 0 maidens 1/0 vs. Coton?

Rupert Brown, getting the final wicket after his son, Alex, had taken the above-mentioned five-for.

``Yeah, young Alex may have got five-for, but my wicket was cheaper'' . . . is what Rupert Brown may have been saying to Tony Robinson.
2 overs, 0 maidens, 0/41 vs. The Globe?

Poor old Les Collings.
2 overs, 0 maidens, 1/46 vs. The Globe?

Poor old Russell Woolf, in his first match as captain.
4.2 overs, 1 maiden, 4/6 vs. The Woozlers?

Jack Anderson, pipping his dad for the best bowling figures by a family member in 2005.
3 overs, 2 maidens, 0/2 vs. The Secretary's Selection?

Bryan Lea.
3 overs, 0 maidens, 2/22? vs. The Secretary's Selection?

Nothing so remarkable about these figures, you might think . . . but it was veteran Pete Warner's only spell for the season.

Extras (two runs each)
Who became a tearaway new-ball bowler at 44?

Faruk Kara (note it says nothing about being fast -- Faruk's nagging off-spin in the second half of the season played a huge role in getting the win/loss record back in the black).

Faruk Kara makes Martyn Waterfall insanely envious by revealing how he gets to open the bowling with his offies.
Which batsmen shared a 99-run partnership?

Captain Dave Williams and vice-captain Daniel Mortlock -- and, just in case we needed more evidence of the Remnants batting malaise, it was the highest partnership of the year.
Who hit His Furriness on the jaw and got one in the eye himself?

Mr. Drama, John Gull. The first incident was the result of a wayward return; the second was the result of a crap pull shot.
Who offered to provide carnal relief to anyone who got Martyn Livett out?

Move along now. Nothing to see here.

Daniel Mortlock ponders who would have been foolish enough to fellate whoever could dismiss Martyn Livett.

The winners, with a creditable 40/50, was the physics table, comprising of Dave Green, Chris MacNeill and Sam Dolan. Their reward was a one-third share in David Firth's book (the name of which escapes me) on the first ever cricket team to tour Australia. It certainly looked a fascinating read, not least because one of the two Mortlocks ever to play first-class cricket was included in the side . . .

Moving swiftly on, however, there were more presentations to come. First was the Champagne Moment -- honorable mentions went to Colin's hat-trick and Ev's four stumpings in an innings, but in the end Alex Brown won for his millenium best bowling figures 5/23, thus providing yet more evidence for the mathematical axiom that five is greater than both four and three. Given Alex's tender age, the champagne actually took the form of The Red Hot Chili Peppers' Greatest Hits CD (not to be confused with their 1991 compilation album which, having been released before their massive cross-over success in the late nineties, was wittily entitled What Hits?). Alex, however, was away on a hot date -- hopefully he was able to use a casual boast about his award as part of his silky smooth seduction routine -- so the award was accepted by his father, Rupert (who presumably headed home with the heroin-anthem `Under The Bridge' turned up to eleven on the car stereo).

Faruk Kara careful sculpts a piece of garlic bread into the shape of his moustache.

The final award was a new one: Anton Garrett kindly provided the club with a copy of Marcus Berkmann's hilarious Zimmer Men to be awarded for the best performance by a senior (meaning over forty, and thus including just about everyone) member of the club. And so congratulations to Colin Anderson, who finally won something for his hat-trick (and four wickets in seven balls) against The CB XI.

Geoff ``Mr Remnants'' Hales polishes off a tasty morsel.

The evening's informalities were then concluded by out-going captain Dave Williams, who led the club in a toast to Geoff's tireless efforts as ``Mr Remnants'' and also offered his personal appreciation for the joys of the season just gone. After that we all dispersed pretty quickly -- it was seriously cold outside -- and went home to do a few sit-ups before bed, in preparation for nets in January.